I met Maegan in my Junior year when I walked into the student lounge one day to study. We started talking over sending letters to kids in other countries and I found that we had a lot in common. From that point on, we ran into each other occasionally and then she started inviting me to her parties. I had no clue she had feelings for me, but I had a crush on her. This was back when Robyn and I had broken up, but ultimately nothing would happen then.
Fast forward about a year, Maegan and I had been hanging out increasingly more often and this was making Robyn uncomfortable, the extent of which I didn't fully comprehend until later. I was oblivious and Robyn and I had been drifting apart due to school and my own frustrations with the relationship.
Then my birthday happened...
The day of my birthday was the catalyst that sparked the situation I'm in now. The remaining people at the party were Sam, Maegan, Robyn, and I. Robyn started giving out massages and so naturally we're drunk and clothes come off and we all pass out on the floor. Somehow, I start rubbing up on Maegan and we end up fooling around. I stopped and asked Robyn if it was okay and she said yes, but I know that situation broke her heart. We felt weird after it happened and our relationship declined steadily after that.
In the beginning of May, Robyn and I broke up, but I let her live with me still, because she had nowhere else to go. This became an awkward situation of me going over to see Maegan, but still sleeping next to Robyn. It was a terrible situation filled with awkwardness and sadness. I'll never do it again.
Robyn left for Colorado on on June 29th, a day which made me realize that we were truly separated. I'm still reeling from these feelings to this day.
My feelings for Maegan changed. When Robyn and I were on the verge of breaking up, Maegan was there and I can say I truly had feeling for her. She was nice and she cared about me, not that Robyn didn't. Maegan and I had a lot more in common as far as interests go. She loved to drink and party, Robyn did not. It didn't help that Maegan got a long with my friends just fine and she felt like one of the group, an action that would make Robyn feel cast out of the group like a piece of trash. Robyn began to feel anger and animosity towards Maegan and this destroyed their friendship. For me, Maegan was definitely a "grass is always greener on the other side" sort of situation for me.
I told Maegan that I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship yet. This was a mistake because she decided to wait for me to figure things out, hoping that I would be in favor of starting a relationship with her. She began to pay for me, dote on me any chance she got, promising me potential jobs in my struggling search for a career. She may not have even realized she was doing it but she was doing everything she could for me and I just let it happen. Then, I started having doubts about the potential for a relationship. I liked being single because it meant I could what I wanted, I was in control. I didn't feel in control in my relationship with Robyn. I was always driving her places and paying for things for her. It made my schedule complicated and I didn't like it.
Then the fights happened. One after another, almost every two to three weeks. We would be okay for a bit and then something else would happen and she would get upset. I was called an asshole, a manipulator, a terrible person. I let the situation carry on for too long, attempting to fix it multiple times, but ultimately fell back into the same patterns.
I have a weakness for sex. I have very little self control over it and it drives me crazy sometimes. Sex with Maegan was nice. I enjoyed sleeping with her and it seemed to be a mutual thing. Maegan wanted so much more though. She pacified me with sex, but ultimately she wanted a relationship. She was settling and her self esteem was taking a hit every time I did it. This made me feel terrible, but she assured me it was fine. I can be a bit overbearing when I sleep with people. I can't distinguish sex from being romantic. As a result, I end up making girls fall in love with me. It's hard for me to be casual, just have sex, and leave. My actions in this regard set up a confusing course of events where my actions and words didn't match up. I said I didn't want a relationship or anything other than sex, but here I was kissing her, holding her hands, cuddling, making love. This probably only made her fall for me more, despite being confused.
Fast forward to Friday night and we're at the bar. We're in a situation where it appears that Maegan is staying the night at my place, but I want to stay alone. I mention this to Maegan and she is persistent that she wants sex. I tell her we can forego it for one night, but she is adamant. This leads to her being upset and we end up talking about everything and how I'm uncomfortable with our situation. She feels upset and cries and essentially wants nothing to do with me. She texted me last night wanting to talk about it all because she's so upset over everything so here is how my part of the conversation is going to go:
Maegan, when I first met you, I felt attracted to you because you're funny and friendly and I saw a beauty in you that compelled me to get to know you better. When we first started hanging out regularly, those feelings only grew and I found myself feeling excited every time we were going to hang out. Once we started sleeping together and hanging out more however, things changed. I realized I wasn't in a state to handle a relationship or any kind of serious dating since I had just been been in a relationship, but I was still acting in a way that made us seem to be together. This hurt several people, mainly you and Robyn and I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you two. Feelings change, and I can't help how I feel. Being with you is easy and it's comfortable, but ultimately if I'm going to grow in life, I can't just be in a comfortable and easy situation. I care deeply for you as a friend, but if I continue to be in this situation where we're sleeping together and I'm acting like we're dating, but saying the exact opposite, it's going to rip our friendship apart. So, we need to start over, this time as friends only. No sex, no cuddling, no staying the night anymore. Because, this friendship needs to stay in my life.
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